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NEWSFLASH - 12/28/06 Groh's Bowl Season Preparations Paying Off Following the end of the regular season, Virginia Coach Al Groh knew he had work to do to prepare for bowl season. It appears that work has produced more than satisfactory results. "We got this really big plasma TV from Best Buy at their Black Friday sale," Groh told reporters in an unsolicited email sent from his Blackberry. "Last night, I watched Florida State's bowl game in HD. Everything was so crisp and clear. There are like 7 more ACC bowl games coming up, too." Groh was particularly proud that his purchase qualified for zero payments with zero interest until 2008, by which time he will be making well over $2 million per season at Virginia, where his job is extremely secure. While he is enjoying bowl season from his living room, Groh did admit that part of him misses being in Boise this time of year.
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NEWSFLASH - 11/28/06 Groh Shatters 20 Year Old Record, Builds Team Unity Virginia Coach Al Groh has a young team, one that needs to bond in order to reach its lofty goals. To that end, Groh has broken with a 20 year old tradition in a move critics say will unite his players. For the first time since 1986, Virginia placed no players on the All-ACC First Team. "Individual awards are great for 'me-first' players," Groh said. "But we're about 'Team First', not 'First Team'. No one player is more important than the others. That's why none of our guys are stealing the spotlight by earning these fancy awards. See that fourth string quarterback over there? He works just as hard as the starting guy. In fact, he used to be the starter a couple of months ago. Anyway, the point is, that's why none of these players is any better than the other ones. Here at Virginia, when we get a recruit who starts acting like a 'First Teamer', we work hard at getting that out of their system. We're all in this thing together -- there are no captains on this ship." ACC writers agreed that Groh's selfless attitude has infected his team.
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NEWSFLASH - 11/27/06 Duke's Roof Bulletproof; Lone Groh Victim To Survive in ACC Duke's Ted Roof has tried everything in the last couple of years to get fired as the Blue Devils' Head Football Coach. He's asked to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated in their College Football Preview issue. He even called EA Sports to inquire about being featured on their Madden NFL 2007 video game. Nothing has worked. So this year, he tried a more drastic approach: he lost to Al Groh. And, for the moment at least, it appears that Ted Roof is unbreakable. Of the four schools that lost to Al "The Coach Killer" Groh's Virginia team in ACC play this season, three fired or otherwise released their head coach: Miami's Larry Coker, NC State's Chuck Amato, and UNC's John Bunting. Roof was certain that tanking to the Cavaliers would produce similar results, but it appears he'll have to wait out his contract with the Blue Devils instead. "I thought the ACC was at a point where every coach had to be able to compete with Al Groh. All I can say is that I'm very disappointed in the standards of Duke University. Even we're better than this," Roof said in a brief statement to the press. "It's not like I have naked pictures of Coach K." Roof has since been placed on suicide watch.
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NEWSFLASH - 11/26/06 Groh Mulls Offers From Capital One, Outback, Chick-Fil-A Following his regular season-finale 17-0 non-victory over in-state rival Virginia Tech, Virginia Coach Al Groh has begun the courting process of college football bowl season. "Capital One is definitely looking at us," Groh said. "Just yesterday I received an offer for a low interest rate credit card. That's what's in my wallet! And it just so happens that my latest Valpak coupon book had an offer from Outback for a free Bloomin' Onion with purchase of any two regularly priced entrees. That is their not-so-subtle signal to me that they want us at their bowl." Groh also said he received interest from Chick-Fil-A officials, who sweetened the deal by offering a free breakfast sandwich of his choice if he brings his church bulletin with him.
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NEWSFLASH - 11/22/06 Groh Vows 'Never Again' To Repeat Last Year Against VT The trauma experienced by Virginia Coach Al Groh remains painfully clear, a full year after the inhumane suffering inflicted by Virginia Tech. "Never again," Groh said of 2005's matchup with the Hokies, which produced a 52-14 non-victory. "The events of last year's Virginia Tech game, well, I can promise you that won't happen to us ever again. To walk out on that field, and be humiliated like that. To think that we allowed those Hokie pranksters to paint that 'T' next to our 'V' to make their own logo! Well, one thing is guaranteed: If we see a 'VT' painted on the middle of the field again this week, we're not even going to bother showing up for the game." After Grohstradamus stormed out of the press conference, most reporters agreed with his prediction.
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NEWSFLASH - 11/20/06 Groh Saves Virginia $85,000 Per Win By Defeating Hurricanes In a stunning display of generosity, Virginia Coach Al Groh Saturday saved his alma mater roughly $85,000 per win this season by defeating the University of Miami, 17-7 on Saturday in Charlottesville. Groh's $1.7M annual salary can now be split amongst five wins instead of four, making the wins much more affordable for the Cavaliers. Before Saturday's contest, Groh was to earn approximately $425,000 per win; today that figure stands at $340,000 for each victory. Groh compared the move to managing the salary cap in his old stomping grounds, the NFL. League officials, upon hearing this, awarded the coach with 3 additional years of NFL experience. Up next for Groh is Frank Beamer's 17th ranked Virginia Tech squad in a rivalry game in Blacksburg. Groh's L-W record is 9-1 on the road against ranked teams.
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NEWSFLASH - 11/16/06 Groh Jettisons Seniors From Team As Virginia Coach Al Groh prepares to put his unfeated record against the Miami Hurricanes on the line Saturday afternoon in Charlottesville, he knows it will be the last time his seniors step on the Scott Stadium field to do battle for the Cavaliers. "Frankly, they're too old," Groh said from his lawn chair outside a Best Buy store in Charlottesville, where he has been camping out this week for a chance to pick up a Playstation 3. "We will honor the years they did give us, but we're a young team, and we need to continue to get younger next year. Here at Virginia, we believe in being the youngest we can be, and these older players need to realize this and move on. I wish we could get rid of some of these juniors, too, but they usually only leave when the NFL wants them." Groh paused, took a long sip from his juice box, and contemplated, "I wonder if this is why everyone calls me 'The Youth-en-izer'." This is a crucial game for Groh, who is likely to be seeing either the blue or the green next month depending on the outcome. Win, and he is but a triumph over in-state rival Virginia Tech away from a return to glory in Boise on the blue turf at the MPC Computers Bowl. If he posts a non-victory, he will have some choice tee times in the coming months. "$1.7 million a year goes a lot further on the golf course in December," Groh said. "Me and Amato have a $200 nassau set up already."
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NEWSFLASH - 11/5/06 Groh Moves To 2-1 In Shutout Games In what was being billed before the game by many as the Nepotism Bowl, Virginia Coach Al Groh and son earned a 33-0 non-victory over Bobby Bowden and son's Florida State squad and moved to 2-1 this season in games where one team is held scoreless. When asked about the Seminoles' 17-0 non-deficit at halftime, the elder Groh told a sideline reporter that he believed the game was "even Steven", words which were nearly proven true as FSU scored 16 more in the second half, one shy of making the halves even. Reporters also queried Groh about coming back from a devastating first series interception that was returned by Florida State for a touchdown. "You've got to go back out and play the game like it never started," Groh said. The Cavaliers restarted the game five more times after that.
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NEWSFLASH - 10/30/06 Groh Wins 2nd Straight, Mulls Return to NFL On the heels of his team's 14-7 shellacking of North Carolina State on Saturday, Virginia Coach Al Groh appears to be considering a move back to the NFL. "You have to think about it," Groh said. "With the kind of momentum I've got going here, I'd be crazy to not want to parlay that into a head coaching gig in 'The League'. Who knows how many times I'll see a win streak like this? They claim I'm only a defensive guy, but I saw a couple of touchdowns on that scoreboard Saturday that say this fella knows offense, too. Plus, my NFL experience is skyrocketing as we speak just from me talking about it." Experts warn that Athletic Director Craig Littlepage may want to consider offering Groh a lifetime contract extension immediately to avoid losing him.
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NEWSFLASH - 10/25/06 Groh Cleaning House In ACC If successful in leading his Cavaliers to victory Saturday against North Carolina State, Virginia Coach Al Groh could continue his purging of ACC coaches, leaving a tornadic trail of destruction in his wake. Earlier this week, a thoroughly embarrassed North Carolina Coach John Bunting stepped down after his team was defeated by Groh's squad. "If I can't beat Virginia, then even I agree it's time for a coaching change," Bunting admitted. Wolfpack Coach and fledgling fashionista Chuck Amato's tenure is in serious jeopardy this season, and a loss to Virginia could seal his fate as well. "He's a coach killer, no doubt about it," Amato squeaked. "He already took down Bunting, and now I can feel the pressure, deep in my ample bosom." Ahead on the slate for Groh are Florida State's Bobby Bowden, who is facing pressure to retire, and Larry Coker of Miami, who clearly would be shown the door if his Hurricanes lose their brawl with the Cavaliers. Experts say if losing to Groh is a harbinger of doom for opposing coaches, somewhere between a couple and several of them may be in hot water over the next few seasons.
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NEWSFLASH - 10/20/06 Groh Again Matches Season High Win Streak A disheveled Al Groh, sweatshirt untucked, went through the motions Thursday night following his Cavaliers' game against North Carolina. "It was a hard fought battle, and we saw a lot of positives. Obviously, these kind of mental victories don't count in in the standings, but we're a young team, and we're getting better. I can tell we're heading in the right direction, so you take what you can from games like this. This is all part of the plan," Groh automated. When informed by a reporter that his team had actually beaten the bumbling Tar Heels, Groh appeared taken aback. "For real? I mean, I looked at the scoreboard when the game was over, and I guess I didn't realize...wow, that is just crazy!" Groh said of his team's 23-0 dismantling of John Bunting's club. "Umm...this is all so strange. First off, I'd like to thank God, and of course my family-slash-coaching staff, who never stopped believing!" With no music to indicate that it was time to wrap up his speech, Groh continued for several hours before a janitor turned off the lights to the building. A text message from Groh intercepted later by reporters read, "WTF? LOL, did U C we won?"
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NEWSFLASH - 10/19/06 Groh, Bunting Face Elimination In Rematch of 7-5 Slugfest In a showdown certain to draw record ratings for FOX, Virginia Skipper Al Groh leads his Cavaliers in a deciding game against the Tar Heels of North Carolina and Manager John Bunting Thursday night on ESPN. "This is as evenly matched as a game can get," Bunting said. "It's just a shame someone is going to have to walk away with a 'W'." With his top two starters unable to play, but not injured, Groh has decided to start rookie LHP Jameel Sewell (1-3, 7.65 ERA) and hope that his team's lineup can produce enough runs to stave off elimination. Last season's 7-5 contest was an indicator that defense alone does not necessarily win games. "That was a barnburner," Groh said. "We know we can't expect that kind of firepower from our offense every game, but if we can get one or two good quarters out of our starter tonight, the bullpen can take it from there." ESPNHD is set to unveil "HowieCam", where a camera will be fixed on a quietly forlorn Howie Long in an empty section of the stands throughout the entire game. The high-defintion camera promises to bring into vivid detail the sullen dismay of the former NFL great.
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NEWSFLASH - 10/18/06 Groh Pokes Holes in Rival Coach's Credentials Asked Wednesday about his coaching opponent in Thursday's game, Virginia Coach Al Groh had some harsh words concerning North Carolina Coach John Bunting. "What you have here," Groh said during a phone interview from his glass house in Charlottesville, "is a coach who claims all of this personal NFL glory merely by riding the coattails of a Superbowl winning coach. In reality though, he was just an assistant during someone else's period of success." Bunting served as a member of the 1999 St. Louis Rams defensive staff. Groh continued, "How he was able to parlay that into a college head coaching job, I'll never know. I'm sure part of it is because he's an alumnus." Groh also prodded at the Tar Heels' record, pointing out that his Cavaliers have twice the number of wins that Bunting's club has. "The only team they've beaten is Furman. His seat has got to be getting pretty hot down there," Groh said.
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NEWSFLASH - 10/17/06 Virginia Athletic Director Makes Best Decision Ever, Keeps Groh Seeking to clarify the job status of Al Groh, Virginia Athletic Director Craig Littlepage on Monday gave an unequivocal vote of confidence, stating Groh will retain his post as Head Football Coach indefinitely. Officials from universities across the entire Atlantic Coast Conference praised the move and went so far as to suggest Littlepage himself be given a lengthy contract extension as a reward for keeping Groh. (Editor's note: while Littlepage did not single out dontfirealgroh.com as a factor in his decision, we would like to think we aided in this great endeavor, which is certain to benefit many ACC, MAC, Conference USA, WAC, Mountain West Conference, and Division 1-AA schools for years to come. Huzzah!)
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NEWSFLASH - 10/16/06 Groh's Playbook Stolen; Says Something Doesn't Add Up Following Saturday's go-from-ahead non-victory over Maryland, Virginia Coach Al Groh announced that a copy of the Cavalier playbook was stolen from his office. Shortly afterward, various reports began circulating that the playbook had turned up in places ranging from nearby Blacksburg to Athens, Georgia, and possibly even Iowa City, Iowa. Washington Redskins Coaches Joe Gibbs, Al Saunders, and Gregg Williams also denied any involvement in the heist. This is just the latest distraction for Groh, who has a short week to prepare his troops for a clash against true rival North Carolina on Thursday night. Insiders also say Groh's increasing preoccupation with completing Sudoku puzzles during practice has resulted in some playcalling confusion on the field.
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NEWSFLASH - 10/14/06 Groh Playing Hare to Maryland's Tortoise Virginia Coach Al Groh's fabled Cavalier team built an insurmountable 20-0 lead Saturday by halftime of their game versus the plodding Terrapins of Maryland. "Good work, men!" Groh Aesoped in his halftime speech. "We've sped way ahead of them, and they're much slower. We can take a blow now for a while, confident that we'll win this race." Details of the second half were not available at press time.
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NEWSFLASH - 10/12/06 Groh Pilots Cavaliers Halfway Home Virginia Coach Al Groh spoke to reporters this week about midseason unrest among the Cavalier fanbase, days before the Cavaliers' home clash with the Maryland Terrapins. "Just because I fly on airplanes doesn't qualify me to be a pilot," Groh Earharted. "I don't have any opinion on what the pilot should do, whether he should have flown at 35,000 feet, 15,000 feet. I don't have any opinion. I say, 'He's proven. He's got all the facts. He knows what he's doing. He knows a lot more about it than I do. So let him fly the plane.'" It is unknown what percentage of pilots have crashed 67% of their flights this year and whether the surviving passengers have any opinions about their experiences.
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NEWSFLASH - 10/8/06 Bizarro Groh Notches Another Impressive Victory Continuing a season where he has been universally praised by fans and the media, Bizarro Virginia Coach Al Groh handily defeated East Carolina Saturday night in Greenville. Bizarro Groh is expected to win most of the remaining games on the schedule as well. "We are 5th in the nation in total offense," Bizarro Groh said. "I like our execution in all phases of the game, and our guys are really playing with a lot of heart and guts. You can tell they're proud to play for Virginia." Athletic Director Craig Littlepage expressed pleasure with Bizarro Groh's program, adding that he has a great plan for success, is very likeable, and also has wonderful personal hygiene.
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NEWSFLASH - 10/6/06 Groh to Add New State to Recruiting Base Virginia Coach Al Groh announced on Thursday a new initiative geared toward recruiting. "I was shocked to learn that in the history of Cavalier Football, we have never signed a recruit from the state of East Carolina. I intend to use our showing in this weekend's game against East Carolina to change that," Groh said. "ECU must be letting most of the talent get away, since most of their own players are from North Carolina." While he also has his eye on expanding to South Florida, Groh admitted he is unsure if Governor Castro will allow prized recruits to leave the state.
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NEWSFLASH - 10/4/06 Groh Looks To Extend Season-High Win Streak In an attempt to underscore the competitive balance of Saturday's upcoming game against East Carolina, Virginia Coach Al Groh Tuesday spoke to reporters. "They take their football very seriously and they've got a good following, so we anticipated that type of opponent when we scheduled the game," Groh postured. "In other words, our intent was to schedule a good competitive game and not a cupcake, and so that's what we did." East Carolina officials later commented that they had the opposite scheduling philosophy but are also pleased with the series. It is believed that Groh's aversion to "cupcakes" is a result of the increasing difficulty in finding a Division 1-A team that would be considered an easy victory for the Cavaliers. When asked about being nearly a touchdown underdog to a 1-3 Conference USA team, Groh explained that Coach Holtz won not only at Notre Dame, but also took Arkansas, Minnesota, South Carolina, and even William & Mary to bowl games, so naturally there is deep respect for him in the gambling community.
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NEWSFLASH - 9/30/06 Groh Doubles Season Win Total In One Game Following his team's 37-0 drubbing of archrival Duke on Saturday, Virginia Coach Al Groh took the opportunity to share some statistics with reporters. "Not only did I double our season win total this afternoon," Groh spun, "But I also increased our season scoring by 86 percent, something the Ohio States and Southern Cals of the world could only dream about!" Meanwhile, cross-state rival Virginia Tech suffered an embarrassing home loss to Georgia Tech. Experts unanimously agree this is not as humorous as when Virginia does it.
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NEWSFLASH - 9/29/06 Friday Newsflash Writes Itself Virginia Coach Al Groh commented briefly Thursday to reporters on Saturday's clash with Duke. "There are a lot of similarities between the two teams," Groh acknowledged. "I think it's a pretty even match-up and given that Duke has had a lot more time to rest and prepare, as well as the fact that they're at home is probably an advantage for them." Experts urge fans who may be in disbelief that the above is an actual quote from Groh to consult this article for confirmation.
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NEWSFLASH - 9/28/06 Groh, Roof Bring In Coaching Consultants Before Big Showdown In an effort to increase his team's scoring, Virginia Coach Al Groh this week brought in the coaching staff of the Cavaliers' vaunted soccer team to help with his offensive game plan. "Football is futbol," Groh said. "And if we can score as much as the soccer team does, our offense is going to show marked improvement this weekend." If the experiment is successful, Groh intends to collaborate next week with his school's basketball team to help shore up his squad's scoring defense. Taking a cue from Groh, Blue Devils Coach Ted Roof has asked for the help of Duke's much-publicized lacrosse team. "These guys really know how to score!" Roof exclaimed. "The lacrosse team particularly took a shine to me. I heard them using my nickname, 'Roofie', and saying that after Saturday's game, they were going to take me to a big house party."
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NEWSFLASH - 9/27/06 Groh Developing Innovative Recruiting Techniques Responding to other programs' attempts to poach his 2007 recruiting class, Virginia Coach Al Groh is revolutionizing the art of recruiting. Of the 19 players who have committed to Virginia for 2007, many "continue to be recruited very aggressively by other programs," Groh said. "So we have tried to be equally aggressive ourselves." As part of that effort, Groh has locked down a few prized recruits using an e-mail campaign developed by marketing consultants where he guarantees new lower mortgage rates and promises discounts on ge.ner.1c cia.1is. Another approach, which Groh refers to as "Project Amway", offers incentives to recruits for each of their high school teammates they can convince to sign with the Cavaliers. Groh went on to explain that those new recruits can in turn convince some of their own friends to join, and everyone will profit. While skeptics note that this tactic sounds like a Ponzi scheme, Groh insists he has developed the first "recruiting pyramid". It is also believed Groh is investing heavily in new recruiting ties in Nigeria.
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NEWSFLASH - 9/26/06 Groh To Receive National Award The University of Virginia Athletic Department has announced that Coach Al Groh has been selected as the 2006 recipient of the prestigious Edward John Smith Award, given annually to a deserving coach or sports executive. Previous recipients include New York Knicks GM Isiah Thomas and Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen.
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NEWSFLASH - 9/25/06 Groh Prepares For Epic Clash With Duke Citing the havoc created by the Cameron Crazies and discipline instilled by Duke's Hall Of Fame Coach, Virginia Coach Al Groh said Monday that he will spend the rest of the week steeling his troops for a monumental battle on Saturday in Durham. Groh admitted his players may be daunted by Blue Devils' multiple national titles and their unblemished conference home record in a game where the Cavaliers are favored by 5.5 points. Las Vegas experts cite the more friendly confines of an away stadium as a reason for favoring Virginia. When asked why he was so focused for a game in which he is favored by nearly two entire field goals, Groh pointed out that this is likely to be the only Virginia game the rest of the season with a spread of less than 15 points. Groh said as testament to the gravity of this showdown, ticket sales for the game figure to rival even the North Carolina - Duke basketball game in Cameron Indoor Stadium last season. As is tradition in this historic rivalry, the non-winning coach will receive the Academia Card, which he may then use to justify his team's performance.
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NEWSFLASH - 9/21/06 Groh Basks in Rarified Air Following his Cavalier team's battle versus the mighty Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, Virginia Coach Al Groh Thursday night allowed a few candid moments into his personal life. "Not only did Pam call off her engagement," Groh said of the season premiere of NBC's 'The Office'. "But we also remain undefeated at home in conference play!" Groh then requested some time alone with his family, so it is believed he attended a coaches-only meeting.
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NEWSFLASH - 9/21/06 Groh Uses Opportunity to Challenge Team's Intestinal Fortitude In an effort to mend fences with college football beat writers, Virginia Coach Al Groh Thursday invited reporters to the Cavaliers' game day luncheon, where he treated his players to copious portions of bagged spinach. "Popeye would eat these leaves and gain strength to defeat his enemy," Groh Lombardied. "You have an opportunity tonight to confront your own Brutus!" Mayhem erupted as the players poured out of the room, frantically regurgitating Groh's ideas. Groh pumped his fist and exclaimed, "Now that's the sense of urgency I like to see!" Groh later stated that if the spinach does not have its intended effect, his players are still young and his school's admission standards are very high. Meanwhile, experts debate Groh's potential involvement in breaking a record currently held by Georgia Tech, John Heisman's 222-0 win over Cumberland in 1916. Groh's Cavaliers are undefeated this season in conference play.
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NEWSFLASH - 9/20/06 Groh to Debut Revolutionary 3-4 Offense Following the success of his pro-style 3-4 defense, Virginia Coach Al Groh Thursday night plans to debut his newest brainchild, the 3-4 offense, against Georgia Tech. According to Groh, the idea behind the 3-4 offense is to play 3-4 quarterbacks per game, forcing opposing defensive coordinators to split their game planning time amongst them. "For instance, if they spend too much time practicing for Olsen's interceptions, the defense won't be prepared for the crucial situations in which McCabe fumbles," one assistant said. When asked how new starter Jameel Sewell's skills would fit into his cavalcade of quarterbacks, Groh took a deep breath. "A lot of life on the ball, good athletic ability at the position, he's not Marques Hagans back there but he has niftiness in the pocket, which is a key thing, unless you can go the Marques/Reggie Ball level, its not scrambling so much, its niftiness, being able to move to avoid rushers, which would be a necessary trait for any of our quarterbacks right now, it would probably have to be a required trait," Groh ran on. At press time, it was unknown whether Groh somehow was under the impression that being at a "Reggie Ball level" was a positive thing.
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NEWSFLASH - 9/19/06 Groh Initiates Fan Respect Campaign After receiving some criticism for remarks last week about his lack of concern for public opinion, Virginia Coach Al Groh today announced his new "Fan Respect" campaign. His first show of respect will be Thursday night against Georgia Tech in Atlanta. Groh plans to allow Georgia Tech to build an insurmountable lead before 8:30PM, so Virginia fans will have the opportunity to switch channels to NBC to see if Jim and Pam finally get together on the season premiere of "The Office". Out of respect for Cavalier fans who attend the game, Groh himself plans to TiVo the show and watch it in the film room later that evening. He asks that fans not reveal any spoilers to him during the game by making impromptu signs in the stadium. Georgia Tech officials deny rumors that Groh had earlier requested permission for his Slingbox to send the show to the stadium's Jumbotron during the game.
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NEWSFLASH - 9/17/06 Groh Rope-A-Dope Being Adopted By Nearly Entire ACC Coaches all around the Atlantic Coast Conference are adopting Virginia Coach Al Groh's strategy of feigning total ineptitude in the early season in an effort to lull late season opponents into a false sense of confidence. While Groh has flawlessly spearheaded the effort, somehow managing to make his talented Cavalier squad look like a junior high school third string, coaches such as Chuck Amato of North Carolina State and Larry Coker of Miami have enjoyed similar success by mimicking Groh's innovative technique. Only the stodgy conservative Frank Beamer has failed to take advantage, instead tipping his hand by allowing his Virginia Tech team to appear competent.
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NEWSFLASH - 9/16/06 Groh Leads Western Michigan to Win Over Own Team Virginia Coach Al Groh plans to petition the NCAA for several rules changes following the Cavaliers' 17-10 home non-victory to Western Michigan on Saturday. The first petition will center around scoring opportunities. In the post-game press conference, Groh argued, "When you can't score any points, you can't kick it through, you can't throw it in and you can't run it in, it makes it pretty hard to win." Groh is expected to ask for a new form of scoring, where points are awarded for each different quarterback a team plays in a game. An additional petition will request credit for a coaching win be given to the losing coach when he is single-handedly responsible for the outcome of the game. Experts believe the Cavaliers' early season record is merely the result of Groh laying the groundwork for a monumental upset of Virginia Tech later in the year.
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NEWSFLASH - 9/14/06 Groh Mum on Starting That One Guy or That Other Guy at QB In a move designed to confound upcoming opponent Western Michigan and dazzle Cavalier fans with a Houdini-like sleight of hand, Virginia Coach Al Groh has refused to name a starting quarterback for Saturday's game. When asked whether that one guy or that other guy would begin the game as signal caller, Groh said, "I’m not really concerned about naming one for the public. The public’s not going to choose the quarterback." No really, he said that. Look it up.
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NEWSFLASH - 9/9/06 Groh Engineers Economical Domination of Wyoming Sensing Wyoming's kicker would fail to convert a PAT in overtime, Coach Groh masterminded an efficient slaughtering of the Cowboys Saturday, leaving all but the necessary 13 points on the field for future games. "You only need to be ahead by 1 to win, so I figured I'd call off the dogs," Groh said. "We're Virginia. We're too classy to run up the score."
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NEWSFLASH - 9/2/06 Groh Guides Cavs to Within 26 of Victory Virginia Coach Al Groh kept his Cavalier team within three touchdowns, two 2-point conversions and a field goal of defeating the vaunted Pittsburgh Panthers Saturday. Groh cited offense, defense, and special teams as areas that need improvement if the Cavaliers are going to make a push for a trip to Boise this year. Next on the schedule is Wyoming, where Groh once attended a weekend Dude Ranch and received 4 years of NFL experience.
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NEWSFLASH - 9/1/06 Groh Looking to Rebuild After 7-5 Campaign In an effort to temper expectations following his club's stellar 2005 season, Virginia Coach Al Groh has warned that this will be a rebuilding year for the Cavaliers. Coaching turnover is a major issue for Virginia, as Coach Groh doesn't have that many more sons.
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NEWSFLASH - 8/20/06 Groh Donates Recruits To Charity Virginia Coach Al Groh earlier this month announced that he is donating a large portion of his recruiting class to other universities. "Sometimes you see these schools struggling and you're in a position to help, so you do what you can," Groh said. While the move is seen by many as generous, experts say Groh is merely clearing the way for next year's Top 10 recruiting class.
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Note: Some of the quotes that appear above are ficticious, while others are actual, real quotes. See if you can tell which are which. Don't feel bad if you can't.