NEWSFLASH - 1/4/08Groh Joins 'ACC Coaches Who Lost Their Bowl Game' Facebook Group
Following his team's go-from-ahead non-victory over Texas Tech in the Gator Bowl, Virginia Coach Al Groh has joined a popular new Facebook group comprised of the many ACC coaches who lost their bowl game this season. Other members of this group include Maryland's Ralph Friedgen, Georgia Tech's Jon Tenuta, Florida State's Bobby Bowden, Clemson's Tommy Bowden, and most recently, Virginia Tech's Frank Beamer. Stanley Huggenbaum, CIO of Facebook, expressed concern. "Frankly, we're fortunate that more ACC teams did not qualify for bowl games. If this group had any more members, we would have had to increase our server capacity," Huggenbaum said. While online, Groh also checked new Dolphins VP Bill Parcells' Myspace page to see if he had been placed in his Top 8.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? - 11/27/07New feature: What do you think?
For our newest feature, we went out on the street and asked you for your reaction to Virginia Coach Al Groh being named 2007 ACC Coach of the Year.
Melvin Serroces Dog Groomer "I think it's great and he's as deserving as any coach in Charlottesville."
Jason Connark Shirt Distributor "That man just wins. He's the best they've had since Welsh."
Marcus Vandersleeve Yes Man "As a UNC man, I would have liked to see Butch Davis win it. Sorry, I just wanted to see if I could say that with a straight face."
Steph Halliburton Beer Taster "Burning Lalich's redshirt doesn't seem so completely and utterly moronic now, does it?"
Allen Braxton Professional Dancer "Stinking the joint up last year made this season look a lot better. Checkmate."
Joy Cramer Baby Machine "Do you have Chris Long's phone number? Or his father's? Either is good."
NEWSFLASH - 11/27/07College town rejoices over Groh contract extension
Virginia Athletic Director Craig Littlepage announced Tuesday that the contract of Coach Al Groh has been extended an extra year, through 2011. While this marks a resounding victory in DontFireAlGroh.com's campaign for four more years of Groh leadership, it was also met with excitement in a sleepy college town in Virginia just off interstate exit 118. Residents and students felt a palpable sense of energy as the extension was announced. "Al Groh has done more for our football program than just about anyone else," said sophomore John Smith. "This ensures victory over our in-state rival for years to come!" exclaimed local realtor and fan Jennifer Jones. There is no word yet on the reaction in Charlottesville.
NEWSFLASH - 11/13/07Groh closes out season with avalanche of points
Virginia Coach Al Groh finally showed his hand Saturday, destroying Miami and closing out the Orange Bowl with a 48-0 trouncing of the Hurricanes. For Groh, it was the payoff after a season with five victories by one or two points, most in the NCAA. "In an 11 game season, you never know how many points you're going to need, so we saved up all year. And then today in our season finale against Miami, we finally got to use them all up. No sense in leaving any of them on the table." When informed that Virginia actually has a 12th game scheduled this season against the Virginia Tech Hokies, Groh said, "What? Oh, s%!@."
NEWSFLASH - 10/31/07Groh makes charitable contribution to less fortunate school
Virginia Coach Al Groh recognizes that as the leaves turn in the autumn and the nights grow chilly, the season of giving is just around the corner. All across the country, less fortunate football programs huddle together for warmth as they face dire circumstances with barely a win to sustain them all season. North Carolina State is one of those teams, and Groh heeded the call for charity on Saturday, donating a much needed 29-24 win to the Wolfpack. State Coach Tom O'Brien enjoyed the fall feast, which reminded him of more prosperous times, such as last season when he was the coach of Boston College. As with any charitable donation, Groh will receive benefits in addition to a sense of satisfaction; he will be able to accomplish Virginia's first 8 game winning streak another season instead of squandering all of the enjoyment now.
MAILBAG - 10/22/07New feature: Mailbag
Our first featured Mailbag submission, from a reader we will refer to as "BJ":
I've been following your website and realized you haven't updated it in over a week; 2 wins. Are you running out of funny ideas/"humor" and excuses for why we have won 7 straight? Just wondering, because you usually have a lot to write about, but it seems that were (sic) too good for even your B.S. Your Hokies are going down 11/24, we'll see what you come up with as an excuse that day for your website.
Signing off, a fan of the team who leads the ACC Coastal div. over VT with an overall 7-1 and 4-0 conference record.
Peace,
"BJ"*
Dear BJ,
Quite frankly, you are correct that we have run out of ideas for the time being. We are impressed by Groh's 2007 season to this point. Not necessarily as much by the skin-of-his-teeth victories, mind you, as by the fact that he seems to have learned to stop making idiotic quotes after the games and during the week. It has become difficult to mock him as well as unnecessary to fight to save his job. However, we remain committed to extending his tenure as long as possible, as we feel this is a long term investment. We also appreciate the shortsightedness of Virginia fans such as yourself. Thanks for reading!
-DFAG.com Staff
*Note: This was an actual email sent by a reader and not a fabrication for comedic purposes
NEWSFLASH - 10/10/07Groh orchestrates efficient slaughter of Middle Tennessee St
Virginia Coach Al Groh raised his team's record to 5-1 on Saturday by defeating Middle Tennessee State, 23-21, on a Chris Gould field goal with just 8 seconds remaining. Groh made sure his Cavaliers scored just enough to beat the 1-5 Blue Raiders, saving the rest of his team's points for victories against stiffer competition. While not a conference game, the Cavaliers remain atop the ACC's Coastal Division at 3-0. Next up is a home matchup against Big East powerhouse UConn on Saturday.
NEWSFLASH - 10/3/07Groh defeats Pitt, completes sweep of NFL coaching legends
With Virginia's defeat of Pittsburgh In Charlottesville on Saturday, Virginia Coach Al Groh completed a three game sweep of NFL coaching greats. The Panthers' Dave Wannstedt joins UNC Coach Butch Davis and Georgia Tech Coach Chan Gailey in the path of destruction left by Hurricane Groh, whose tremendous gusts of hot air are the talk of college football. The 4-1 Cavaliers, who lead the ACC's Coastal Division, remain undefeated in the smarmy confines of Scott Stadium.
NEWSFLASH - 9/26/07Groh's Cavaliers defeat Georgia Tech, 28-23
Virginia Coach Al Groh led his team to a come-from-behind victory over Georgia Tech Saturday in Charlottesville. The Cavaliers now sit atop the ACC's Coastal Division at 3-0. Experts believe this recap needs no humor, as Groh appears competent based on his own merit this week.
NEWSFLASH - 9/18/07Groh defeats true rival UNC, doubles win streak
Virginia Coach Al Groh whipped fellow NFL coaching great Butch Davis' North Carolina Tar Heels Saturday 22-20, extending his in-conference unbeaten road record in 2007. Despite teasing the crowd by being an underdog, committing a laundry list of penalties, scoring nearly all his points with his kicker, and allowing more yards than his foe, Groh was able to once again emerge victorious. Next up for the Cavaliers, a noon matchup with Georgia Tech, whom Groh has set up nicely for overconfidence by declining to defeat in last season's contest.
NEWSFLASH - 9/11/07Groh quotes render embellishment unnecessary
Virginia Coach Al Groh delivered some remarks to reporters Tuesday about his quarterback controversy. "Till the game unfolds, I don't know what the game situation is going to be. It's a rotational situation. It's not about who starts and who finishes," Groh meandered. After indicating the starter would be decided by who best fits the situational offensive scheme for each particular week, Groh gave reporters a lesson in the art of incrementation. "That's the honest answer for week two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, and thirteen," Groh said, with the last word apparently tipping his hand for the beginning of next season. "One of the things we ask every week is, 'How many things does this team make us think about?' Clearly, the more things you can make an opponent think about -- issues to think about and decisions to make -- then the more burdensome it becomes." Insiders believe Groh is trying to put DontFireAlGroh.com out of business by writing its stories by himself.
NEWSFLASH - 9/10/07Groh razes Roof, crushes Duke
Virginia Coach Al Groh Saturday led his Cavaliers to a rousing 24-13 whipping of perennial powerhouse Duke and remained undefeated in Scott Stadium this season. Groh once again showed versatility and a cunning knack for deception by repeatedly switching between two quarterbacks and teasing the Blue Devils with several elaborate ruses disguised to look like disastrous special teams gaffes. Next up for Groh's Hoos are the Tarheels of North Carolina, led by fellow NFL coaching legend Butch Davis.
NEWSFLASH - 9/6/07Groh Instrumental in Appalachian State upset of Michigan
Virginia Coach Al Groh was a key factor in Division 1-AA Appalachian State's historic upset over then-5th ranked Michigan Saturday. For several seasons, ASU Coach Jerry Moore has been visiting the Cavaliers' practices, and that extra preparation at the feet of the master has paid off in a big way. "Coach Moore spent three or four days up here that year and was taking notes all the time," Groh coattailed. "He was back up here this spring." As a testament to Groh's teachings, protege Moore already has as many victories over ranked foes this season as his mentor did in all of 2006. When asked if he would describe himself as instrumental to ASU's shocking upset over the Wolverines, Groh responded, "Instrumental may be overstating it. I'd say I was more of a tool."
NEWSFLASH - 9/2/07Virginia Continues Road Streak At Wyoming
Virginia Coach Al Groh continued to be a stunning model of consistency in road games Saturday, achieving the same result as in nine of his last ten games away from Scott Stadium in a 23-3 match versus the Cowboys of Wyoming. In doing so, Groh managed to reveal almost none of his playbook to rival ACC coaches, running only 46 plays to Wyoming's exhausting 88 play over-effort. Groh also confused future conference foes by showing two quarterbacks, a gambit reminding some of his 2006 season. When asked after the game which signal caller would open the upcoming Duke contest, Groh coyly responded, "How did I know someone was going to ask that?" While it is indeed a mystery how one mortal could harness the extra sensory perception to predict such a random inquiry, it is also clear that Virginia's quarterbacks have some work to do if they wish to match Saturday's record setting 110 yard effort against the Blue Devils next week.
NEWSFLASH - 8/27/07Groh Expected 2006 Slump, Has Feeling About 2007
Virginia Coach Al Groh knew before last season even started that it would be a tougher year than the fans anticipated. "Long before I got to camp, I had a foreboding of it," he said. "For me to come out and say, 'OK, here's what I think,’ all that does is paint a low level of expectations for the players, [but] the worst thing a coach can do is fool himself." Skeptics have questioned why Groh remained so positive about the team all season if he knew it would actually be a rough one, and whether he would repeat that pattern this season, when some say his job could be on the line. When asked to relay his thoughts on the 2007 Cavaliers before the start of play, Groh refused to comment directly, instead choosing to let Virginia fans do the talking for him. "Why just last night, I was talking to my realtor, who is a big Wahoo fan, and she expects big things from us this year," Groh said. "Another fan stopped me at the post office, where I was picking up a change of address form, and told me how excited he was for the season to start. And the guys at my local U-Haul rental center are already researching bowl tickets. So I guess to answer your question, I think you can see I've got a vibe about this year. I'll be ready." In the coming months, Groh will conduct similar fan morale polls at his cable company, telephone company, and electrical co-op. He also said he expects a pep rally-like atmosphere at his upcoming open house, sponsored by Century 21.
NEWSFLASH - 8/17/07Groh Appears Confident of Something or Other
When Virginia Coach Al Groh lost strength coach Evan Marcus to his old haunting grounds, the NFL, he knew he needed a replacement who could elicit powerful and definitive opinions from all. Mission apparently accomplished. "It would look as if we were able to accomplish the aspect of progressing to an even higher level," Groh commanded from a limb he was out on. Given that firm proclamation, Matt Balis appears to possibly resemble someone who could eventually be considered as a contender to be mentioned as that man. Groh also added that his team's improvement through fall practice made him certain of a notion of the likelihood of eventual competition at a level theoretically akin to what would look to be collegiate football. Critics worry Groh's lofty goals may be set too high.
NEWSFLASH - 8/6/07Groh Conducts Cavaliers' First Practice
In an effort to shake up Virginia's oft-complacent football program, Coach Al Groh today is orchestrating the school's first football practice. "Unlike in previous seasons, I intend for this year's squad to not only know who is supposed to be on the field, but also what position they are playing. Last year, we had 4 guys running out there to play quarterback at once. As it turned out, they all did get to play quarterback, but we still need to establish some kind of pecking order," Groh said. "And if that means we have to practice, then practice we shall." The move comes as a shock to those familiar with Groh's longstanding Iversonian rehearsal ideology. Ever the innovator, he has already concocted wrinkles to the Cavaliers' practice plans. Groh explained, "I've developed a new practice drill that I call 'Code Orange'. When we run this drill, only one unit at a time is on the field. We score almost 50% of the time when the offense is out there, and we haven't given up a point yet when it's the defense's turn."
NEWSFLASH - 7/23/07Groh Tops List of College Coaches
Sports Illustrated's Stewart Mandel has listed Virginia Coach Al Groh at the pinnacle of one of his Top Five lists for NCAA Football Coaches. Mandel pointed to Virginia's superior talent and winning conference record as reasons for choosing Groh over the other 119 candidates. Groh cautioned, however, that pre-season number one rankings are speculative in nature. "It only matters at the end of the season. That's where I intend to show the world that I really do deserve the top spot on this list," Groh said. The Cavaliers open their season September 1 at Wyoming, which borders Idaho, the capital of which is Boise, a favorite Virginia yuletide destination.
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